In the middle of the night, when sleep is no where in sight is when my mind gets set to you. Reminiscing of my favorite memories we shared together. It’s so strange how long ago it was, yet something’s I can still remember like they were yesterday. The only reason I allow myself to remember what was is because I’m happy that the promises were broken not kept. I wouldn’t be who I am today if we were still together. You have no idea how proud I am of that fact! It’s not that I hate you or think if you in spite; I really am happy about the time we spent together and it was such a great learning experience. So many of the things you taught me still guide me today. I’m not sorry that were over, however we could of let things end a little differently. I guess we were too young to act like adults yet… Anyways, I still miss the best friend I had once upon a time, but I couldn’t be happier with the way things turned out.
Sometimes you just need life to stop and stand still. As humans we made mistakes, take the wrong path, get behind on things, and feel neglected. This is just our normal, but how do we get back in to the swing of things once something has happened? Everybody is different, and we all need certain things for our individual lives; yet, in the end we all end up back in the same place. Living our lives day to day and staying in our norm until something else throws us back down the hole. The only problem is I don’t have a norm. Honestly, I have no clue what normal even is. Please, someone give me an example of what normal is? What’s that you say? You can’t give me an example of what normal is, because it simply does not exist? Well damn, who came up with this normal word anyways? So if you really think about all human beans are living out side the box because there is no set point for normal. It really should be called consistency, because that is more normal than normal it self? The closest thing we have to defining normal is just what a lot of the same people do the same things of. Which I think is more weird than normal, oh I mean consistent, anyways. Life is all about finding out who you are, and being your own person. Not following the path of others and trying to copy someone else. We’re all given this chance at life and so many people throw it away by trying to be somebody else. Take this chance called life and use it to it’s limits, even push the boundaries if you can! Yes there are moments where you will fail, and reach the end of your rope, but that is kind of the point. No one ever said that everything was going to go your way. You have to fight for what you want and achieve it at all costs. Everything we go through is a test that God is giving us. All the choices you make are answers to his test; in the end, there are no right or wrong answers it’s just the experience you got out of it all. So instead of trying to be normal or like somebody else, and trying to answer everything correctly I’m going to do everything backwards, upside down, inconsistent, free, ugly, scared, failed, and everything else in between and wrong so that way I can live.
Earlier on I wrote a post titled, “Awkward” you might want to read that before reading this (just to let you know.) So anyways, after that texting session had gone down, I kind of just forgot about it and what not. When I went to visit home (mind you I’m away at college and this kid if from my home town) I saw him a few times and it wasn’t a big deal, just normal hang outs in a group of friends. Then finally this last time I was home I got a call from one of my really good friends telling me to come over and hang out with everyone, so I did. Once I arrived I discovered that this kid was there and it was actually his bachelor party. After a drinking a few tall glasses of liquid encouragement he decided that him and I needed to have a chat. So we went in private to talk. Long story short he confessed that he was in love with me, wanted me back, that he would drop everything right then and there if I said the words, and he tried to kiss me (I wouldn’t let him though)… Finally, after four hours of talking I told him that taking a gamble on me was not a smart idea and that he was going to marry his fiance. He understood and we hugged and said our goodbyes. We promised to be friends, but I know it is too hard on him so I’ll keep my distance; that’s why I gave him a good last hug! I told him I was happy for him and that I was glad we talked, then I drove home in a daze, not because of the confession but because his wedding was in three days, and he told me, “the whole time I’ll be married to her…. I’ll be wishing it was you” …
You have no idea how bad I want to talk to you…
could it be from the wonderful times we used to have with each other?
but could it just be from no sleep and feeling lonely?
could it be from missing you?
could it be because I love you, still?? Maybe I never really got over you.
….. and then I try to write you a letter, like I always do when I get this way. and I never send it because I’m too scared of the unknown…
So my friend has this long distant girlfriend. She was way controlling and got mad when he hung out with our group of friends, because there are girls in the group. Long story short, they broke up because of too many differences. My friend was back to normal and all was well. Until my friend and his girlfriend started talking again. Now they are pretty much getting back together. Tonight she tried to add me on facebook and I denied her. She wrote me a message saying she was sorry for acting like a bitch and whole bunch of other crap. (let me note that the few times I meet this chick she acted like a stuck up bitch, and like she was better than everyone else). I did not write her back. I wrote a post on Twitter saying that I hate girls. My friend texted me saying how pissed he was because I acted low, and that if I was going to act like that then I shouldn’t bother being his friend. I simple texted back telling him: “It’s your life, you can do what you want. But you know I hate girls, I always have. You can’t except me to forgive her when I was your friend first and she fucked you over; I have some right to hate her. If you do get back together than I will respect you and be nice to her, however, that doesn’t mean I have to be her friend. But look at it from my point of view. I wish you nothing but happiness because I am your friend, not hers. Just saying”….. AM I Wrong??? Please let me know your thoughts???
Why is it that I miss you most, out of all my ex’s? I have forgotten about you for quite sometime. Then tonight you have wondered back into my thoughts. I’m sitting here wide awake, when I should be sleeping. Reminiscing is what I’m doing, about all of the fun we used to have. I remember our first kiss, our mini road trip, sledding, and most of all our peanut butter fight! God we had some good times. I honestly don’t know why I ever let you go. Yeah, that’s right I chose to say goodbye, and as of right now I’m regretting it. I wonder if you ever think about me, or if you have moved on? I wonder what would happen if I ever sent the letter that I have wrote you a million times. Would you reply? Would you just ignore it? Would we become friends again? Would you use it to talk shit on me and tell everyone that I’m trying to crawl back to you? I honestly have no idea what you would do, and I’m too scared to find out. That phone call made me scared. You just hung up. What am I supposed to do!? I have no freaking clue! Usually your the person I would ask in this situation. But I can’t ask you anymore. I have caught you driving past my house a couple times, but I’m not sure what that means?? I’m so confused and I miss you. So I’m just going to write this post and hopefully it is enough to get you out of my system so I can sleep… Hopefully.